For laughs, I just decided to write a second entry, this time about a wedding.
It was a great number of people that showed up to watch Herman Heggentooth and his beloved Mycella Bagpuss get married. Indeed, the church could barely fit in all the assembled gathering.
The priest, a wizened old fellow with a long beard, stepped up to them and said, “We gather here today to wed Herman Heggentooth and Mycella Bagpuss in holy matrimony. If anyone knows any reason why they should not be wed, say it now or forever hold your pe-“
There was a shuffling in the church and a tall, strapping woman stepped forward. “I have a reason,” she said. “Herman is a rascal and a bounder and no woman should ever be forced to suffer at his hands the way I did.”
Herman looked pale. “Froella, please, this is hardly the time or the place-“
“Herman,” said Mycella, looking confused, “who is this woman?”
With great regret, Herman said, “My former wife. Froella Fish. We did not part on… happy terms.”
“Happy terms?” Froella laughed bitterly. “No, Herman, we did not.” To Mycella, she said, “He cheated on me daily, he spoke to me in unfavourable terms-“
“That’s a lie, you bitch!” said Herman.
“- and he stole my favourite necklace.”
“That’s also a lie,” said Herman, neatly removing a silver necklace he wore and slipping it into his pocket.
“If this is the man you wish to marry, then so be it,” said Froella to Mycella, “but mark my words: you will regret it.”
With that, she turned and walked out of the church and was never seen from again.
Herman turned to Mycella and said, “My dear…?”
Mycella shrugged. “Oh, well, we all have skeletons in our closet, I guess. I still love you, Herby dear. Let’s get married.”
And so the proceedings continued, with the priest saying, “And now without further ado-“
There was another shuffling in the church and a moustachioed man stepped forward. “I also have a reason,” he said. “Herman is a downright rotten scoundrel, he has never loved another person in his life and he said he had true affection for me when all he ever wanted was my savings.”
“Wilbeforce!” exclaimed Herman. “I, er, well, um-“
“Herman,” said Mycella, “is this true? Did you lay… with another man? And steal from him?”
Herman hung his head. “I did, my dear. I did.”
“He also spoke to me with great disrespect-“
“That’s a lie, you bastard!” said Herman.
“Marry him if you will,” said Wilbeforce to Mycella, “but I promise you will regret it.”
And with that he turned and walked from the church, and was never seen from again.
Herman turned to Mycella who said, “Oh, I forgive you, Herman. You're only human after all.”
“On with the wedding!” cried Herman, eager to proceed before anything else happened.
With a sigh, the priest said, “And so does anyone else-“
There was a shuffling within the church and a chimpanzee stepped forward. He didn’t say anything but gave Herman a lewd wink.
“Herman,” said Mycella. “You did it with… a chimpanzee?”
Herman, head bowed, nodded.
“And you stole from it as well, I assume?”
Herman nodded.
“And did you speak ill towards it?”
The chimpanzee ook-ed, to which Herman said, “Can it, you filthy ingrate!”
The chimpanzee turned and shuffled out of the church, and was never seen from again.
“Well…?” said Herman to Mycella, who sighed and said, “I forgave you for the other woman and the other man, so I suppose I can forgive you for the chimpanzee as well. But,” she added, “I have a pet Chihuahua called Fluffy. You aren’t to as much as glance in his direction after we’re married, okay?”
“I promise you that, my dear,” said Herman.
“Then, priest, please marry us.”
The priest cast a look around the church, as if asking “anyone else?” and when no one said anything, he said, “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you-“
“Just one minute.” There was a shuffling in the church and a little old lady stepped forward. “I have a reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony.”
“Oh, for ****’s sake,” muttered the priest.
“Don’t look at me,” said Herman, which is just what everyone in the church was doing. “I don’t know who she is.”
“She’s my librarian,” said Mycella.
“Indeed I am,” said the little old lady. “And you, Mycella, have four overdue library books in your name. One of which has been overdue for almost a year.”
“And…?” said Mycella. “You’ve interrupted my wedding day – the most important day of my life! – to badger me about overdue library books?”
The little old lady said, “Other people could have been reading those bo-“
“Oh, get out, you silly old witch!” snapped Mycella and the little old lady turned and left the church and was never seen from again. “Priest,” said Mycella to the priest, “marry us and be quick about-“
But Herman was looking at her with dismay. “The wedding’s off,” he said, stepping away from his former beloved. “Mycella, you have wounded me too greatly for me to ever forgive you. I'm sorry, but I just cannot marry a woman who treats library books with such disdain.”
And with that, he turned and walked out of the church and was never seen from again.