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Description requestiing evaluation

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Description requestiing evaluation

Postby RenatoDias » Thu May 17, 2018 2:11 am

Hey, guys. So, I would like to request someone to evaluate two of my descriptions and maybe tell me if I'm being descriptive enough.

Player Apartment/Loft:
[Reveal] Spoiler:
Your apartment, high up in a low class residential building. A round window taking about your height from the floor can be seen beside the bed, the window has a lever to close it. On the other side of the bed, lies your terminal on a desk, so you can jack in any time to read the BBS newsletters, look up the net or play games.
There is also a office chair you use to type on your terminal.
The floor has a gray tint, and cables extend from the wall jacks to your computer.
Two tube lamps on the ceiling give some light to the room.
You can see plenty of neon signs outside, showing many product makers. Such products as new parts for your computer. And you also feel quite safe here.
To the east is the door outside, where you can go to the street, in case you need to.<br>


A Street:
[Reveal] Spoiler:
A little different from the street to the north, this street has a little more light, and seems to be a little more clean. Many low class people pass by, not taking you into account. You can also see a few replicants walking by, but they don't seem to be your problem. But, like on the street to the north, you can see computer parts scattered by and getting smashed by people who walk over or cars that pass by. A few electronic outdoors show messages like "obey the authorities" and "never resist when asked on a verification", all authoritary bullshit, as you think. To the west is a rundown building that hosts your apartment.


The setting is a Cyberpunk universe, hence the replicants, terminals and electronic outdoors.
PS: I've changed a lot from the first description to the second.
Thanks
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Re: Description requestiing evaluation

Postby P/o Prune » Thu May 17, 2018 8:55 am

Apart from the fact that I feel your description perhaps could be more "fluent" I think it looks decriptive enough for the player to get a "vision" of the location.
When I say fluent I refer to the way you have peragraphed the description rather than having made it into a smooth description of the location ..(Am I making sense here? :? )
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Re: Description requestiing evaluation

Postby RenatoDias » Thu May 17, 2018 9:18 am

Don't you think the first one has too many paragraphs?
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Re: Description requestiing evaluation

Postby David Whyld » Thu May 17, 2018 10:14 am

I think the issue with the first one is way too many paragraphs. The text doesn't flow, it’s just a very basic description of what the player can see. Reading lots of descriptions like that wouldn't be much fun. Also, what does “round window taking about your height” mean? (Admittedly that might be a translation issue.) While it’s a good idea to tell the player what's there, is there any need to go into so much detail?

With the second room, you've used the word “little” three times in the first sentence which is three times too many. And again, the text doesn't flow. It needs to be more descriptive. Maybe instead of:

A Street:
A little different from the street to the north, this street has a little more light, and seems to be a little more clean. Many low class people pass by, not taking you into account. You can also see a few replicants walking by, but they don't seem to be your problem. But, like on the street to the north, you can see computer parts scattered by and getting smashed by people who walk over or cars that pass by. A few electronic outdoors show messages like "obey the authorities" and "never resist when asked on a verification", all authoritary bullshit, as you think. To the west is a rundown building that hosts your apartment.


go for:

A Street:
This is different from the street to the north, with better lighting and less grime. Many low class people pass you by, doing their level best to ignore you, and replicants, but they aren't your problem. As with the northern street, there are computer parts on the ground, smashed by people who walk on them or cars driving past. A few electronic outdoors show messages like "obey the authorities" and "never resist when asked on a verification" (which is all authority bullshit in your opinion). To the west is a rundown building that hosts your apartment.


Hardly perfect, but it’s easier to read.
Last edited by David Whyld on Fri May 18, 2018 9:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Description requestiing evaluation

Postby RenatoDias » Thu May 17, 2018 10:32 am

The round window thing is because I used a image that had a large window as a reference. And thanks for your opinion on It too, David.
I thought so that the first one had too many paragraphs. I'm gonna fix that one. About the second one, well noted on the "little" word usage. I'll change that too.
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Re: Description requestiing evaluation

Postby David Whyld » Thu May 17, 2018 10:57 am

About the round window, the problem I had was with “round window taking about your height”. Do you mean "standing" or "placed"? "taking about your height" doesn't make any sense.
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Re: Description requestiing evaluation

Postby RenatoDias » Thu May 17, 2018 12:01 pm

I meant that the window is the same height as the player.
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Re: Description requestiing evaluation

Postby Lazzah » Fri May 18, 2018 9:35 am

RenatoDias wrote:I meant that the window is the same height as the player.

Why not just say that then? "A round window, the same height as yourself, can be seen beside the bed, it has a lever to open and close it."

As David says, try to avoid repetitions of the same word in sentences, as above.
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Re: Description requestiing evaluation

Postby RenatoDias » Fri May 18, 2018 2:30 pm

Lazzah wrote:
RenatoDias wrote:I meant that the window is the same height as the player.

Why not just say that then? "A round window, the same height as yourself, can be seen beside the bed, it has a lever to open and close it."

As David says, try to avoid repetitions of the same word in sentences, as above.

I'm gonna edit that in-game. Thanks for pointing it out.

If someone has any other considerations about the texts above, please post. Thanks.
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